i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
