I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
