i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
