i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
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