omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
