wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I need to sanitize my soul.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize