3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
