I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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