TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize
