sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Randomize
