im about as happy as oj after his trial
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
