You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
