there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
