why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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