I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Randomize
