its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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