Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
