Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Randomize
