ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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