When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
