I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
