Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(623): View more from Arizona

I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.

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(951): View more from California

I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."

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(719): View more from Colorado

Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.

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(613): View more from Ontario

You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".

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(828): View more from North Carolina

he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster

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