My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
