My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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