i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
