well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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