I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Sober January is a disaster.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
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