My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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