So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
