How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
