just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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