Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
