Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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