So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Randomize
