3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
