Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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