SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
