so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Randomize
