i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
