i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Randomize
