It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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