Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
