If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
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