good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
At least life still wants to fuck me.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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