Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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