He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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