im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
it's like iHOP with fire
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
