There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
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