see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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