I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
