final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Randomize
