My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I just had sex on a roof
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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