I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Randomize
