i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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