I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
