We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Randomize